Wednesday, February 23, 2011

NUMBER 16 EXCLUSIVE: The Secret Plans of the Conservative Party – Stephen Harper, Jim Flaherty and Peter MacKay meet to discuss Tory strategy for the next election.


You can read it here first. Number 16 has unearthed Conservative secret plans and the true reason why Prince William and his bride-to-be will not be visiting the largest city in Canada this summer. Once again, your intrepid reporter, Joanne Madden, has infiltrated the most secret corners of the Conservative war room. A conversation was recorded between Prime Minister Stephen Harper, his trusted Minister of Finance, Jim Flaherty and Defence Minister Peter MacKay.

(Stephen Harper smiles confidently as he sits down to converse with Jim Flaherty and Peter MacKay)

SH: Well, boys, I think everything is under control. We’re just about ready for the next election. This time we are going to win our majority. Nothing’s going to stop us now! (He rubs his hands greedily)

JF AND MacKAY: (clapping their hands) Here! Here!

SH: Our new attack ads are great. We are going to make mince meat of Iggy and the Liberals.

JF: That’s for sure, Mr. Prime Minister. We’re getting the message across that Iggy is only in it for himself. He’s not devoted to this country like you are.

MacKAY: Anybody can see that, Stephen. I just love our new ads showing you alone in your office working so hard at your desk. You look so calm and cool and in control. And your glasses, what a nice touch!

SH: They don’t make me look too intellectual, do they? I don’t want to look too intellectual.

MacKAY: Oh no! You look more like Clark Kent than some intellectual. You look so dedicated. The people will realize that you are running the ship of state right on course.

JF: That’s right. We Conservatives are running the economy competently. Voters will get the message and they won’t want to change course.

SH: What about the big cities? We don’t have a single seat in the three biggest cities - Montreal, Vancouver and Toronto. We’re going to have to win seats there to get our majority.

MacKAY: Well, I think Quebec is a lost cause for us. We don’t have to worry about the Prairies. The Vancouver lefties won’t vote for us. Ontario is where we have to win big, especially in your birthplace, Mr. Prime Minister.

SH: (Sighs deeply) Don’t remind me that I was born there. My hometown is Calgary now. I’m a Westerner. I’m a Calgary Flames fan.

(A cell phone rings interrupting the conversation)

MacKAY (answering his phone): Sorry, I have to take this call. (Mackay rises from his chair and speaks in a low voice) Sorry, baby, I can’t talk to you about that now. I’m at a very important meeting. I hope you understand and I hope you won’t pull a Belinda on me . . . don’t hang up! (He puts his cell phone away) Women! It looks like I’m going to have to walk my dog again!

SH: Peter, you really should turn that thing off when we’re having a meeting.

MacKAY (in a sheepish voice): Sorry about that. Hey Stephen, can we invite Condoleezza Rice to Canada again?

SH: No, Peter! I know you like her, but, unfortunately, George W. Bush is no longer the President of the United States.

MacKAY: Rats! I was hoping to take her to Tim Hortons again!

SH (glaring at MacKay): The only Tim Hortons you’ll take her to, Peter, is the one in Kandahar. Now, let’s get back to the matter at hand: How to win votes in the City of Toronto. What do you think, Jim?

JF: We need to demonstrate to the people of Toronto what will happen if they don’t vote Tory. They need to know there will be consequences.

SH: Well, Jim, I sent them a pretty strong message when I chose Toronto as the site of the G20 Summit last summer.

MacKAY: Yeah, that was a great strategy!

SH: And did you notice my latest move. I invited Prince William and Kate Middleton to come to Canada. Fortunately, they accepted my invitation, but there are no plans for them to visit Toronto. I made sure that the city has been snubbed again. T.O. is finally going to learn that it will be snubbed until it votes Conservative Blue. Toronto will vote Tory and it will learn to like it.

JF: Brilliant, Stephen, just brilliant! I’m sure the message will not be lost on Torontonians. It’s not just an oversight that William and Kate are not visiting Canada’s largest city. It’s a glaring omission. The people of Toronto have been taught a lesson.

SH: I’ve even thought of another strategy. Let’s put a curse on the city. The Toronto Maple Leafs will never win another Stanley Cup until Hogtown votes overwhelmingly Conservative!  We'll call in some people from Boston to talk about how long the Curse of the Bambino lasted.  That should do it.  We'll guarantee them a Stanley Cup as soon as they vote Tory again.

JF: I don’t know about that, Stephen . . .  I wouldn't make any guarantees about the Leafs winning the Cup . ..

- Joanne