Saturday, December 18, 2010

NUMBER 16 EXCLUSIVE : Don Cherry, Mike Harris and Rob Ford meet at a pub


Number 16 has another exclusive for you.  On December 9, 2010, Joanne Madden published transcripts of a phone conversation between Hockey Night in Canada's Don Cherry and Toronto Mayor Rob Ford. Your intrepid reporter will now release transcripts of a conversation she overheard between Cherry, Ford and former Ontario Premier Mike Harris at a pub in Mississauga.

DON CHERRY:  This is great, guys. I’m so glad we could get together over a few pops. You two are my new best buddies.

MIKE HARRIS:  Well, thanks for inviting me, Don. But could you tone it down a bit? I wouldn’t want people to get the wrong idea . . .

(The server comes by to take their orders)

SERVER:: Hey Grapes, how are you?

DON CHERRY:  I’m fine. Me and the boys are just shootin' the breeze today.

SERVER:  What can I get you?

DON CHERRY:  I’d like a Molson Canadian. (turns to Mike Harris and Rob Ford) Hey guys, why don’t you order a Molson Canadian too? We need to support Canadian products.

MIKE HARRIS:  Don, I seem to remember that Molson merged with Coors about five years ago.

DON CHERRY:   Doesn’t matter, Mike. Any beer called Molson Canadian is all right by me. So anyway, Mike, what have you been up to lately? Did you ever consider running for the leadership of the Conservative Party once the Dear Leader quits politics?

MIKE HARRIS:  Well, you know, Grapes, I think I’ll stay retired. Besides, my French isn’t good enough to be prime minister.

DON CHERRY:  Yeah, I know, we always have to please those French in Kwee-bec. There’s only one French hockey player I ever liked. He helped Paul Henderson score the winning goal when we took it to those Ruskie Commies back in 1972. You know, Yvan Cournoyeay . . . Courney . . . (clenches his fist in frustration). I hate those (expletive deleted) French names!

ROB FORD:  Don’t worry Don, Foster Hewitt had trouble pronouncing that name too.

MIKE HARRIS:  (Rises from the table) Excuse me, gentlemen. I have to visit the little boy’s room for a minute. I’ll be right back.

ROB FORD:  (Turns to Don Cherry and lowers his voice) Listen Grapes, I’d appreciate it if you didn’t encourage Mike Harris to run for the Conservative leadership. I’m thinking of running for the Tory leadership myself – sometime down the road, of course. I want as little competition as possible.

DON CHERRY:  Really, Rob? I didn’t realize you were so ambitious. I think you’d make a great prime minister. Once they see what you can do for Toronto, they’ll want you to run the whole country. The sky’s the limit, Robbie old boy. They’ll be begging you to go for the top job. We’ve got to stop those wimpy Red Tories from taking over the party again and you’re just the man to do it.

ROB FORD:  I know. That’s just what I’ve been thinking, Don. So I’ve even started taking French lessons. How do you like that? Me, Rob Ford, learning to parlez vooo so I can be prime minister!  (He puffs himself up proudly.)

DON CHERRY:  Prime Minister Robert Ford. I like the sound of that!

ROB FORD:  Shhhh . . . Mike’s walking back to the table. I don’t want him to hear any of this. Don’t tell anyone else either. I don’t want people to know about my plans yet. This is all between you and me, Grapes. Don’t go telling Ron MacLean on Coach’s Corner about what a great PM I’d make - not yet, anyway.

DON CHERRY:  Mum’s the word, Rob. My lips are sealed.

MIKE HARRIS:  (Sitting down) Your lips are sealed? Why, Don and Rob, are you keeping secrets from good old Mikey?

DON CHERRY:  Nah, Rob here was just telling me about some stupid thing George Smitherman did. He doesn’t want me to spread it around.

ROB FORD:  Anyway, amigos, this has been fun.

MIKE HARRIS:  Yeah, we should get together once a month and shoot the breeze. But you know what, I have to leave soon. Sorry, guys.

DON CHERRY:  Where are you going, Mike?

MIKE HARRIS:  To the library. (pauses and sticks his hands our defensively). Don’t worry, guys. I don’t normally hang around libraries. But it’s almost Christmas, and I’ve been asked to read my favourite book, Mr. Silly, to some kids at the library. I couldn’t turn that down, could I?

DON CHERRY:  All right, Mike, we’ll give you a mulligan on that. But in the future, stay away from libraries. Real men don’t go there.

ROB FORD:  I’ll drink to that. Let’s have a toast.

ROB FORD, DON CHERRY and MIKE HARRIS:  (clinking their beer bottles in unison:) To real men like us!

Note: This has been written with tongue firmly in cheek.


R.I.P. Bob Feller

Baseball has lost another great. Bob Feller died of leukemia in Cleveland, Ohio on December 15, 2010. He was 92 years old. The Hall of Fame pitcher was born in Van Meter, Iowa on November 3, 1918. His father built a baseball diamond on the family farm and the young Bob was recruited to play on a team his dad put together.

Bob Feller made his major league debut in 1936 and played for only one team his entire career – the Cleveland Indians. He retired in 1956 with a win-loss record of 266-162, an earned-run average of 3.25 and 2,581 strikeouts. Feller played 18 seasons in Cleveland (from 1941 until 1945, he served in the U.S. Navy). Although Bob failed to win either of his two starts in the 1948 World Series, his Cleveland Indians defeated the Boston Braves 4 games to 2 in the October Classic that year

Nicknamed “Rapid Robert” and “Bullet Bob,” Bob Feller had a wicked fast ball that was known as “the heater from Van Meter."  In 1962, he was inducted into the National Baseball Hall of Fame at Cooperstown in his first year of eligibility.  This farm boy from Iowa will be long-remembered.
- Joanne