SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 12, 2012
Real estate tycoon Donald Trump is supporting Mitt Romey in his bid to win the Republican nomination for president. I've tried to imagine a phone conversation between the two men, Maybe it would sound something like this . . .
TRUMP: Hey, Mitt, how are you doing? Donald Trump here. I called to congratulate you on your win in the Maine caucuses yesterday.
ROMNEY: Thanks, Donald. That was a much-needed win. Santorum was gaining momentum. Last Tuesday, he won in Missouri, Minnesota and Colorado.
TRUMP: Don't worry, my friend. You're gonna be the next president. With me on your side, you can't miss. I'm backing you one hundred per cent, Mitt, and Donald Trump doesn't put his money on a loser. That's not how I became a billionaire. Santorum's having his moment right now, just as Gingrich had his. He'll fade away. You'll be the one still standing when it's all over.
ROMNEY: I sure hope so! Thanks for the words of encouragement, Donald.
TRUMP: My pleasure. Just think of me as your Trump card. Now let's repeat our favourite phrase again!
ROMNEY: Oh, I'm so excited! I just love repeating that phrase. It makes me tingle all over.
TRUMP: Okay, then. Together now. (Romney joins in) YOU'RE FIRED! YOUR FIRED! YOU'RE FIRED1)
ROMNEY (sighs contentedly): Aren't those the most beautiful words in the English language? Boy, I really feel good now. I'm pumped! I can't wait to take on Obama!
TRUMP: That's what I like to hear - enthusiasm. So what is your first priority, Mitt? The economy? Making war on Iran? More tax breaks for the wealthy? What are you thinking about?
ROMNEY: My first priority is making sure Barack Obama doesn't get a second term. My chances of defeating him are better if the economy doesn't do so well. He'll get blamed and I won't. Once I'm president, of course, my policies will improve America's economy. I'll cut jobs in order to create jobs. That's what I'll do! No pain, no gain. That's what I always say.
TRUMP: Good for you! This is war! That pinko is ruining this country. We have to return to free enterprise and fiscal restraint.
ROMNEY: That's for sure! The free market always works best. We shouldn't let anything interfere with it. That's why we have to stop Obama. He even stole one of my ideas (ahem) - that is - before I realized how wrong I was. I'm afraid it was a lapse in judgement on my part.
TRUMP: Oh, you must mean the health care law you enacted when you were governor of Massachusetts. I'm glad you've seen the light.
ROMNEY: Don't worry, Donald. Once I'm president, ObamaCare will be history! Pronto! The sooner the better!
TRUMP: Now you're talking! That's the spirit! Well, I have to go now. I've got another business deal to work on. But before I go, I have to make a comment about your hair. You are so lucky to have such a full head of hair and that touch of grey on your temples looks so distinguished and presidential. But if you start to develop some bald spots, I'll be happy to send you to my personal hair stylist. He'll give you a great comb over.
ROMNEY: Well, my hair is still pretty thick, Donald. If I should start losing it, I may take you up on your offer.
TRUMP: All right, then, Mitt. Goodbye.
ROMNEY: Oh Donald, one more thing before you go.
TRUMP: What's that?
ROMNEY: Can we say "you're fired" together one more time?
TRUMP AND ROMNEY: YOU'RE FIRED! YOU'RE FIRED! YOU'RE FIRED!
- Joanne
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